How do we ensure we love ourselves properly?

We must start to accept ourselves

Some people are dissatisfied with who they are and their lot in life, “I’m not happy with my current job but I can only do this”, “I’m not happy because I’m born so stupid, I cannot learn more than what I already know”. Such people have to learn to accept oneself. We turn to Judges 9:8-15;

8 ‘“The trees once went forth to anoint a king over them. And they said to the olive tree, ‘Reign over us!’
9 But the olive tree said to them, ‘Should I cease giving my oil, With which they honor God and men, And go to sway over trees?’
10 “Then the trees said to the fig tree, ‘You come and reign over us!’
11 But the fig tree said to them, ‘Should I cease my sweetness and my good fruit, And go to sway over trees?’
12 “Then the trees said to the vine, ‘You come and reign over us!’
13 But the vine said to them, ‘Should I cease my new wine, Which cheers both God and men, And go to sway over trees?’
14 “Then all the trees said to the bramble, ‘You come and reign over us!’
15 And the bramble said to the trees, ‘If in truth you anoint me as king over you, Then come and take shelter in my shade; But if not, let fire come out of the bramble And devour the cedars of Lebanon!’’

This is a prophetic parable but more importantly, let’s learn from the examples brought up there. If a person can accept himself, he would be like the earlier three plants mentioned. For example, the olive. The olive knew its own role. When others wanted to make him king to sway over the other trees, v9 says;

But the olive tree said to them, ‘Should I cease giving my oil, With which they honor God and men, And go to sway over trees?’

The olive tree knows that it’s only doing its part to honour God and help men. Likewise, the fig tree, as well as the vine. All of them knew that in their lot in life as long as they’re already giving God what is due and helping humanity, they were satisfied. But if we cannot accept ourselves and current lot in life, we are like the bramble wanting to rule over the others and it being so small thinks it can sway other trees.

When a person doesn’t accept himself, it leads to vainless conflicts and problems. Let us learn about God’s love for ourselves in life. If you’re born this particular way - height and look, we accept it because it’s what God built for us. If you could change certain things by exercising, for instance, it’s fine. We must accept ourselves and our lots in life. If not, the Bible says, “Woe is us because we dare to question God.” We read Isaiah 45:9-10;

9 ‘“Woe to him who strives with his Maker! Let the potsherd strive with the potsherds of the earth! Shall the clay say to him who forms it, ‘What are you making?’ Or shall your handiwork say, ‘He has no hands’?
10 Woe to him who says to his father, ‘What are you begetting?’ Or to the woman, ‘What have you brought forth?’ ”’

These two verses tell us the woes of people who question themselves and God, “Why am I here?”, “Why was I born this way?” But can we strife with our Maker? Instead, we must learn from David. David in life learnt and made an active decision to no longer go beyond his own means and do things beyond his lot. He could do it and so can we. We turn to Psalm 131:1-2;

1 ‘Lord , my heart is not haughty, Nor my eyes lofty. Neither do I concern myself with great matters, Nor with things too profound for me.
2 Surely I have calmed and quieted my soul, Like a weaned child with his mother; Like a weaned child is my soul within me.’

Here tells us the heart of David. He says to God, “God, I’m no longer haughty and my eyes are no longer lofty, looking for great things to do. I don’t concern with great matters which are beyond me, this is my lot in life. There are things too hard for me to understand and I won’t push myself to do so because it’s not expected of me.”

The speaker can think of an example David longed to do but was denied. It was a great and wonderful thing that he thought was perfect to serve God, which was to build for God a temple.

In his mind, he thought that it was great and it was his destiny in life to do it. But when God denied him of this privilege of building the temple, David accepted that this was his lot in life. God just said to him that he had shed man’s blood and was not able to do so. Instead his son were to do it. He didn’t ask, “Why not?” but accepted his lot in life. That’s why David described in v2;

Surely I have calmed and quieted my soul, Like a weaned child with his mother; Like a weaned child is my soul within me.’

Before, it was, “I want to do great things” but now it’s, “Now, I have accepted my lot in life”. Like a weaned child beside his mother. An unweaned child is often unsettled. A child who has gone through this process and can take solid food is now satisfied and not unsettled, “As long as I have my mother, I feel safe and I am happy. I won’t cry and make noise.” That’s what David was because he learnt to accept this was his lot in life and that’s why he could love himself properly.

Esteem oneself

How does one measure the worth of oneself? How can I esteem myself? Often the way we measure ourselves is also the way we measure other people. When we look at this person, we think this person is of this certain worth to be my friend or this person is not very worthy to be my friend. We turn to James 2:1-8;

1 ‘My brethren, do not hold the faith of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Lord of glory, with partiality.
2 For if there should come into your assembly a man with gold rings, in fine apparel, and there should also come in a poor man in filthy clothes,
3 and you pay attention to the one wearing the fine clothes and say to him, “You sit here in a good place,” and say to the poor man, “You stand there,” or, “Sit here at my footstool,”
4 have you not shown partiality among yourselves, and become judges with evil thoughts?
5 Listen, my beloved brethren: Has God not chosen the poor of this world to be rich in faith and heirs of the kingdom which He promised to those who love Him?
6 But you have dishonored the poor man. Do not the rich oppress you and drag you into the courts?
7 Do they not blaspheme that noble name by which you are called?
8 If you really fulfill the royal law according to the Scripture, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself,” you do well; ‘

V8 reminds us of the law to love thy neighbour as thyself; here is described as the royal law. How do you love your neighbour as yourself? How do you love yourself? It depends on how you measure another person.

The example brought up here shows that your measure of someone’s worth is based on how much money he has. This person who does such partial treatment is likely to measure himself this way. He’ll really be happy if he was richer than others but when he is in the midst of being ultra rich, he will hang his head down because that’s how he measures the worth of another person.

The people of the world not only measure others based on their wealth, but also things like status; how much power you command, if things happen when you say it. Or how much education you received, how many books and journals you published.

The question is: if we really want to be happy, how do we measure another person? Do we just follow the people of the world and the way we follow others? Or as Christians, the way we do things are completely different? We turn to 2 Corinthians 5:16-17;

16 ‘and He died for all, that those who live should live no longer for themselves, but for Him who died for them and rose again.
17 Therefore, from now on, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we have known Christ according to the flesh, yet now we know Him thus no longer. ‘

Here Paul tells us that we don’t regard someone of the flesh; their status, looks, education or wealth. It says in v16 we don’t look at Jesus from a fleshly perspective;

‘and He died for all, that those who live should live no longer for themselves, but for Him who died for them and rose again.

Because if we do so from how the people of the world measure, he was just a carpenter’s son who later also became a carpenter. He came from such a backward town; could anything good come from Nazareth? He needed women to supply Him goods so He could continue His ministry; what power does He have? Ultimately He was beaten and put on the cross. This is what the people of the world measured His worth.

So Paul says we don’t look at Him from the flesh but instead He’s our saviour who died for us and we live for Him. We no longer should look at a person’s looks or wealth. In v17;

Therefore, from now on, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we have known Christ according to the flesh, yet now we know Him thus no longer. ‘

This is a new way in which we should measure another person’s worth and also should be the new way we measure four worth so we can esteem ourselves. It’s a great thing for us to become the children of God. Elder John describes us in such a manner, “Behold the manner of love the Father has given unto us” in 1 John 3:1-2;

1 ‘Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God! Therefore the world does not know us, because it did not know Him.
2 Beloved, now we are children of God; and it has not yet been revealed what we shall be, but we know that when He is revealed, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is. ‘

This is how we can esteem ourselves as Christians because our status is completely different. If we measure the way God sees us; God now sees us as His children and as His children we later on have this right to see Him face to face. Elder John couldn’t describe how it’ll be like when we meet God in heaven but it must be truly glorious! All he knew was that we’ll meet Him face to face and this is something we can hold our heads high for.

If we want to esteem ourselves, we must see the way God sees and measure our worth based on the way God measures our worth. God looks at our hearts and wants our souls to be saved. It’s the soul over the riches. With regard to status, our earthly status doesn’t matter. God looks at our spiritual status. If we start to view ourselves this way, we’ll start to esteem ourselves properly.

Cherishing oneself

We turn to Ephesians 5:29;

‘For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. ‘

Paul is using the example of how Christ loves the church and here mentions that no one hated his own flesh but cherished and nourishes it just as how the Lord loves the church. Of course, we must cherish our bodies. We must remember that we are the temple of the Holy Spirit and so we cannot let things such as addictions destroy our health or body.

We cannot let addictions like alcohol, drug, sex and cigarettes destroy the temple of God. We must cherish our bodies. More importantly we must also cherish our souls. If we measure a person based on the way God measures, that means we are loving ourselves properly.

To love oneself properly, we cannot over-love ourselves because that’s narcissism. But we also cannot inadequately love ourselves. To do that, we have to accept our current lot in life. We accept His will and count our heart and soul on this.

To love ourselves properly, we have to esteem ourselves; not based on our worldly possessions because in the eyes of God, we are His children and have a place in the kingdom of heaven. That’s how we can esteem ourselves and not feel like we are nobody.

We must also cherish both our bodies and our souls. That’s how we love ourselves properly.

The speaker wants to give a practical way to do all these 3 things. To him, these things have become so common-place that everyone is doing it; the social media. A practical action we can take is to curb our use of social media. Social media has become such an addiction that people have a phone syndrome; we think our phones are constantly buzzing and have to constantly check our phones.

Some scientists compared this addiction of social media to that of the high a gambler has when he’s at the slot machine. The people who are into gambling are not for money but for the thrill, just as somebody who waits for people to like or comment on their posts. Some articles say that the millennials are the most narcissistic generation. But really, it’s because social media arose around their time; it’s in THEIR generation. Whether social media is the one that enabled them to become more narcissistic or they were originally narcissistic and now there’s a platform for them to share, it’s unsure. But that’s the finding of the world. At the same time, people of the world are more and more unhappy and one of the reasons is because they’re unable to accept themselves as they are.

University around the world are starting to open courses on how to be happy. One thing they often tend to suggest is to stop using social media. The images put there are carefully curated and crafted to show only the good parts of things. Whoever sees this thinks they’re inadequate, such as seeing another person staying at a 5-star hotel eating Michelin food. Of course, you’d be unable to accept yourself. Or, people are addicted so much that they lose their physical lives to get the most instagram-able shot or selfie. This addiction can harm the body and soul. The speaker is not saying to stop completely but is just telling us the potential harms.

May God help us so we have the resolve to make the right decisions to love ourselves properly.