Marriage facilitators: marriage facilitating/marriage facilitators

Q: The church does not encourage brothers and sisters to go on one-on-one dates. But how then do you ask more personal questions, goals, plans, thoughts on certain subjects, principles in life?

A: The church has the marriage facilitating team and when the marriage facilitators team recommends/facilitates a match, this will be covered (personal questions, etc.). There is an avenue for you to have interaction with the other party. If the church encourages [one-on-one dates], we worry sometimes it may not go smoothly. It depends on maturity. This is out of the view of the marriage facilitators team (one-on-one dates). If you request for marriage facilitators, they have an avenue for you to find out. If you find your partner on your own, if it’s in the Lord, it is fine. The church cannot stop you from going for 1-on-1 dates.

Q: Will the church help me to do matchmaking if I am not actively strong or actively serving in church?

We don’t do matchmaking but marriage facilitating. Marriage facilitating is asking if you’re agreeable to communicating with other brethren. Generally, it is good that this bro/sis realised that he/she is not spiritually strong. In a marriage in the Lord, you help each other become strong. That is the purpose of marriage. Try to build each other up in your faith, so that you and your potential match will be confident. More importantly, marriage is a huge part of your life but is not your entire life. The more important question is: are you living a life pleasing to God?

Ultimately, if you please God, you’ll be able to go to heaven.

There are people who view it in two ways. First is: Living a life pleasing to God. Second is: while I’m alive, I can play with the game and as long as I play within the edge, I can make it to heaven. As long as I don’t commit mortal sin.

We all know which is the better choice. When talking about pleasing God, when it comes to marriage, everything will fit into a better perspective. Then, this asked question is not that important.

The more important question is: why am I not spiritually strong? What can I do?

The church will try to help you, but you yourself must improve and increase your faith. Then, whatever else happens in life will fit in nicely. It’s which one comes first - it’s the faith that comes first. What sort of life do you want? To please God or to enjoy your life to the max?

When Dns Esther was around our age, she heard from a marriage facilitators: how can a marriage facilitators help to facilitate if they don’t even see you in church? Added on to what had been said earlier on, we have to first work out our faith. Saying that, we have to be seen in church. At least, people are aware of your presence, rather than just a Saturday service attendee. Then when the marriage facilitator wants to facilitate for you, others may not know you. Be around when you’re supposed to be around - services, fellowships, courses and training. It’s also a good way for each of us to know each other better rather than going on one-on-one dates.

If the church bro/sis is not very active in church, they won’t encourage marriage facilitating but will encourage you to come to church more often.

How many of you want to marry someone inactive in church? If you want to marry someone active and strong in faith, how about yourself? Will another person like me? If we want to attract someone God-fearing, we ourselves have to be God-fearing too.

Q: How do we know if someone in church is the right person for us to get in a relationship with?

A: At the end of the day, choosing a life-long partner is also about what you want in life. What type of life do you want to lead in the future? Since we’re seated here, then it most probably means we want to marry in the Lord. If we on the same basis, there’s a basis to talk. If not, we have no basis to talk. If we want to the kingdom of heaven, a spouse and a God-blessed family, ultimately it starts with faith and us being active in church, and having the same goal which is serving God. It’s much easier because our thoughts will be aligned more. There’s common topics and expectations - there’s an alignment already.

Is there a person God has created who is my ‘Eve’ or ‘Adam’? Is there a Mr/Ms ‘perfect’?

This is an input from the congregation: 60%: fit, 20%: work on it, 20%: leave it to God.

Definitely, people will change and the person before and after you’ve married is probably in the process of changing as well. At the same time, you probably can’t be with someone you have no interest in as well. There should be at least something where you can be at a level where you can communicate. For the speaker, before he and his wife were in a relationship, she thought that he was a ‘boring engineering guy’ who only thought about statistics and IT things.

There was a time when they bought some brethren out and they stayed outside a tourist attraction place. That was when they communicated and found interest in each other. When you’re married, people will change and there’s still a need to work on things.

There’s SOME need you need in a match, but that’s not all you’re looking out for.

The marriage facilitators won’t ask you to ‘trust and obey’ the first name proposed. They will propose a name, and you have the choice if you want to consider.

Q: If there is more than 1 option, does it mean that I am double-minded?

A: If you have more than one option, it’s just having more than one option. Being double minded means if you’ve already chose somebody and you still look around people to choose from. Before you consider, you consider carefully and you work on it to find the answer.

Q: What are Biblical guidelines on either to continue working on a troubled relationship or to break up? (Exclude cases of sexual immorality or loss of faith)

A: What is dating? To the people of the world, it would be “try try” in a relationship to see if you fit together. For our church, if you are really talking about dating, you should have the intention of getting married. It’s not try try. Before you start to date or commit yourself to a person, you should be sure of what you want. Eventually it should be marriage. Then you should have your own set of values you hope the other party would fulfil together with you. You cannot enter a relationship without knowing what you want. When you are ready to enter into dating, it should lead towards marriage. If you meet with some challenges or difficulties, both should be committed to solving these problems and not give up easily.

A troubled relationship can mean many other things as well. One possibility is to talk to marriage facilitators. If it’s through marriage facilitating, the marriage facilitators will be available to help and guide you through. It could be a different view points, clash of personality, or non-acceptance from family. The best approach is to talk to the marriage facilitators or church ministers.

Even in a marriage, there’ll be times where you meet with troubles. You may meet with severe stress. Breaking up and divorce is not an option after you’re married. The couple must trust in God, pray and seek help from marriage facilitators around.

For the singles, when you start a relationship and you meet in troubles, how do you resolve it? When you’re not married, there’s still a way out and you want to end the relationship. In real married life, this option is not available. As youths, we try to minimise hurt in the church. It’s really based on your maturity to solve your problems. If you start on your relationship on your own, no one can advise you. If it’s through marriage facilitators, they will try as much as possible to help you. If it’s on your own, there will be hurt if you break up because both parties will gain support from their friends. The church discourages one-on-one dates but if you do, you must realise that you must go in a relationship with maturity. Maturity, faith in God and ensure no one gets hurt.

Q: On what grounds do marriage facilitators choose to match a brother and sister? (Besides one party showing interest). Do the marriage facilitators even know/interact with the youths enough to know if a brother and sister are compatible?

A: The marriage facilitators are humans and may not know you as well as they would like to know. When it comes to making a decision, they come to a vote. There are members in the team and they can express their views. When more votes go for a yes, then there’ll be a marriage facilitators. It’s for you to decide ultimately if you do so, they merely recommend a name.

Based on what they know about you and from their experience from marriage, they may know what some youths may not know.The marriage facilitators is a good resource if you need advice.

Q: Is masturbation and sex toys wrong?

A: We’ll look at the Bible. Let us turn to Genesis 2:18;

‘And the Lord God said, “ It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.”

We know that God’s purpose is that it is not good for men alone. Our Creator created us and knows what is best for us. It’s not good for man to be alone because we have different needs - physical, sexual. When you’re of age, it’s good for you to be married. We turn to another verse, Matthew 5:28;

‘But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. ‘

God’s standard for us is not to lust for the opposite gender. We also read 1 Corinthians 7:9;

‘but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.’

Masturbation and sex toys are self sexual gratification. From the Bible, we know that we have to exercise self-control and if you’re of age and you find yourself unable to control your sexual urges, the Bible says that it’s better to marry than to burn with passion. When God says it is not good for man to be alone, our Creator knows what we need.

When it comes to this question, if you’re looking specially in the Bible, there’s no such answer. You can only look at it from principles. One idea raised is Matthew 5:28. Unless you can pleasure yourself fantasising yourself without thinking about someone else, then masturbation is definitely a sin. But is it a mortal sin? It is not a mortal sin, but is it a sin? Yes. A couple of reasons why is because masturbation can become very addictive. Some cannot control themselves and some do it while driving and cause accidents. It has the power to become an addiction and the Biblical principle is ‘All things are lawful for me, but all things are not helpful. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any. ‘ (I Corinthians 6:12)

Thirdly, it gives the person doing so a very unnatural experience because should you one day become married, you’ll think it’ll be like that when in reality it is another person being with you. It gives an unnatural expectation and can become cause problems in your marriage in the future.

The speaker brings all this up to tell us that it is something to really consider. If this happens right now, are there certain things triggering you? Is it stress? Is it the environment that causes you to do so? You can take active steps to prevent you from doing so.

Q: How effective is marriage facilitators in church these days? What can be done to increase the raise of singles marrying in the Lord rather than outsiders?

A: Resolve to marry in the Lord. There must be a certain age where we become more mature and be willing to be responsible. We grow up in comfortable environments and especially for family with domestic helpers. When you’re of a certain age, you realise there are certain things you don’t know what to do, then your physical age may be 30 but your maturity doesn’t match your physical age.

As Christians, we have responsibilities. Brothers have the responsibility to find the right person according to what you’re able to accepted. Sisters are at a disadvantage because we have more sisters than brothers. (In Myanmar, 3 brothers and 18 sisters. It’s the same in Taiwan and in Singapore). Don’t put your feelings in people outside, but it’s alright to bring them into church. You do evangelism not with marriage in mind, but for soul-saving. When God bless our evangelism effort, the increase in marriage in the Lord is greater.

Q: Heard that there is a checklist on purity, can you share on what is listed there and to what extent would determine the individual as unacceptable for church wedding?

A: When you apply for a church wedding, there’s a form. Page 2 is a declaration for the couple (too long, didn’t manage to get it D:). Based on this declaration, the church will decide. If before marriage you are engaged in some of these (sexual) activities mentioned, it is considered pre-marital sex, and it is fornication. If these actions are committed, you cannot have a church wedding and ministers will advise you on what is best to do. The advice for couples who have committed fornication, the couple has to be married but cannot have a church wedding.

Q: Is it common to still develop crushes after marriage?

A: For Job, he said he made a covenant in his eyes to not look at other women. This is because you can still stray. Marriage requires work and fidelity. Getting married doesn’t mean that you automatically only fix your eyes on one person, marriage is an effort.

In today’s society it’s common to develop crushes after marriage, especially if you’re working and constantly with a colleague of another gender. Feelings may be developed but because you’re married, we have to restrain ourselves. This is also what the Bible tells us; to always guard our hearts and minds whether you’re married or single. Just because you’re married, it doesn’t mean you’re completely safe. After marriage, you may also fall if you’re not cautious.

Q: What if I cannot find someone in Singapore, will someone marriage facilitators me with someone overseas?

A: We will try in TJC worldwide as much as possible to facilitate. We have many enquiries as in other TJC will give us information (mostly sisters) but we will try to settle local issues first.

Q: What is considered dating? Can we date to gain experience?

A: For people of this world, it’s alright to gain experience when they date. The church doesn’t encourage 1 on 1 dating.

With regards to between a guy and girl going out together, it may sound simple and innocent but we should try to prevent things from happening. It should not be a foothold for the devil to work. It may start off as innocent but if you spend too much time together, you cannot prevent things from happening. You have to be careful to not put yourself in a dangerous position.

There are preachers who have fallen because of counselling sisters. They happened to be in a bedroom doing counselling and something happens. This is giving opportunity to the evil one.

Q: Was told once that marriage facilitators marches a bro/sis of greater faith with another who may not come to church that often. This is so discouraging to me, and the marriage facilitators do not know us at all.

A: The baseline is that the person must come to church. When a name is recommended, the person has the choice to accept or decline a recommendation.

Sometimes the level of faith vary and some wants to marry someone very active, but how many active people do we have in church? Sometimes a person of a greater faith may need someone to help them with their work.

Q: How long should we wait in a relationship before we get married? What if we are “burning with passion” like what the Bible says but difficult to marry because of studies, job, money, parents, etc.

A: If you’re not ready to be married, then you have to exercise self-control until you’re ready to be married.

Q: Does age gap matter in a relationship?

A: It depends on your acceptance level. Some brothers can choose a sister older than him. Some age gaps can be great, but if both are able to accept, age is not an issue. You must have the maturity to accept the implications of the age gap.

Q: I don’t feel empowered to confess my feelings as a woman. Don’t trust marriage facilitators either as the other party will surely assume it is me showing my affection first and if it turns out unsuccessful, it’s awkward.

A: The process of marriage facilitators is to present it as a recommendation from the marriage facilitators. There are some cases that would not have happened if not for marriage facilitators because you don’t know the existence of the other party.

Q: A likes B, but B liked C. C does not like B though. What does B do?

A: B can pray about it and if it still doesn’t not work out in your favour, then let it go.

Q: If you and your boyfriend or girlfriend don’t know if you can live together or are sexually compatible, how can you get married?

A: Sexual compatibility is not something you can find out for TJC Christians. This is not something we can find out.

Don’t know if you can live together - after you’ve chosen the right person, you live together and by God’s help you make the marriage work.