Earlier, the speaker spoke about needing to discern whether you like or love a person. You also need to discern whether a person likes or loves you.

Have you misunderstood the person? You think you love the person and the other person loves you.

I need to clarify whether we’re going out. The person said “I’m not ready to get into a relationship yet. You’re just a very good friend I like a lot.” You get angry at her/him and yourself.

You assumed that you’re a couple because you’re always together. “I thought it was mutual turns out it was my one sided feelings”
You end up feeling sad.

Don’t imagine that just because you love the other party means they love you too.

You may think the actions of the other party are something that isn’t just what a normal friends does.

If the other party always sends messages to you that are ambiguous/flirty 暧昧, you read it as messages of love. Maybe the other party likes you a bit more but you’re confused by your own feelings. You’re spinning this story of love for yourself. When you try to clarify and the other party says they’re not ready yet, your beaiuyfl dream crumbles to pieces. You must clarify whether that other party likes or loves you.

Question yourself why you’re so sure the other party loves you. Spend some time to think whether it’s just your wishful tjibkibg. If you wish to spare yourself this headache, just ask the person directly. You may be rejected but short term pain is better than long term pain. If you continue to misunderstand and invest your feelings then you waste your feelings.

There’re some who are more proactive. But some are more shy. If so, approach a marriage facilitator to help you clarify. Then you don’t need to invest and waste your emotions into this. If the other party is interested, then the MF will arrange a period of time to engage in a period of courtship.

Courtship is to determine whether you’re willing to be with the other party for the rest of your lives.

“For such a short period of time of 0.5-1 year is too short to get to know a person.”
Coietyshup isn’t making or getting to know a good friend. You already have many good friends. From this pool, choose one to be your partner and go through the period of coietyshup to determine if he/she is willing to go through this period of courtship with you.

The purpose of courtship is not to get to know the other party but to determine if the other party is willing to be your lifelong partner.

In society when people go on dates it’s to know each other because they don’t even know each other yet.

One of the reasons for international youth fellowship is for all our youths all over the world to get to know each other to create encounters/opportunities to know each other. Maybe if the member is

But if you’re from Adam and TK you sure know. With eyes close you know this person is like this like this. What you have to decide is whether you’re willing to accept this Person as your partner and whether he/she is willing to accept you.

Marriage facilitation won’t give you a lot of time to decide because you already know the person.

If both parties are not willing, don’t waste time delaying. If both willing, don’t waste time and get married. If one is willing and one unwilling, marriage facilitators will try their best to negotiate and see where the problem lies. If it get be resolved then they can get married. If negotiations fail, break up peacefully.

Don’t misunderstand the phrase needing to submit to the marriage facilitators. Some people misunderstand that we must submit to their recommendation. If a MF acts like this that’s wrong.

When we say be submissive to MFs, it means to be submissive to the teaching of marrying within the Lord. Because our church MFs will definitely recommend someone within the church. If an MF recommends someone outside the church, they’re at fault.

Don’t misunderstand this saying of needing to submit. We can have our opinions of the suggestions of the MFs.

If you find someone by yourself, it may not be someone in the church. You don’t have a spiritual elder to guide you. When you find someone by yourself, you take matters into your own hands and you have to bear the consequences yourself.

MFs not only take action on behalf of both parties. They also take into account the feelings of both parties. They’ll minimise the emotional hurt of both parties. That’s why they don’t encourage the courtship period to go on for too long.

It’s best to tell the MF if you have someone in mind. The MF recommends this person they say don’t want. The MF recommend another they say don’t want. So who do you want? Then they giggle LOL
Why didn’t you just say??

Then the MF can ask if the person has interest. Then you can go on to your second choice (not good to have too many choices).

MFs are there to be proactive on your behalf to reduce the chance of love triangles or squares forming.

Not just in Singapore. Worldwide, the youths don’t trust MFs. The speaker feels the MFs are good, to help you to be more proactive on your behalf. The speaker hopes we will change our opinion on MFs. Just tell them who you like and they’ll help you. If there’s no one in Singapore suitable, they have their connections overseas as well. Malaysia. China. Korea.

No matter where, they’ll help us. But we must tell them first.

1. Ask yourself “will I let the other party misunderstand”
   Perhaps we often find the other party to talk. You treat the other party as someone very close and special. “Are you going out?” “Oh no no we’re just friends!”
   The other party will feel sad you
   You can’t stop another party from liking us even though we treat them as a friend. You send the other party friends everyday and say we’re just normal friends. We let the other party misunderstand us. If we truly treat the other party as a friend, then we don’t need to message the other party daily to show concern everyday. That’s like fishing. Don’t want to pull the fish up but don’t want to let it go also. You make the fish go through misery while you enjoy the sport. Either pull me up or let me go. You let me stay hooked like this.

Be clear also. Have boundaries. If other people ask you if you’re going out, then you should know you’ve already crossed boundaries of a normal friend. You say you’re showing concern. But loving one another doesn’t necessitate sending a message everyday. Being there for them when they need help is being Christian.

You shouldn’t do this because you just let the other party misunderstand you.

1. Open your eyes wide
   Before you get married, open your eyes wide to see clearly. After you get married, close one eye.

When you start the courtship everyone puts on their best performance/behaviour. Everything is sweetest. You keep all the bad things away. Just like how you keep the rubbish away when guests come.

But when the courtship stabilises then the truth comes out. Long courtship not good. You may think why the other party has changed. So lazy. Doesn’t want to improve. Actually he hasn’t changed.

Open your eyes wide before courtship. Is the person you see really the real him. Is the person he/she sees the real me? If it’s not then you’re deceiving the other party. If you do so, how can the other party understand you after marriage?

Because you didn’t understand, you got together. Because you understood, you separated.

In your courtship, let the other party see the real you.

Doesn’t mean you have to completely understand the other party before you get married. In truth as we grow older and things change, our personality changes as well. We ourselves don’t 100% understand ourselves. Don’t have to say we have to completely understand the other party before getting married.

Marriage is not finding 100% ideal. The one you find ideal also has his/her non-ideal parts. You just have discovered them yet. Then after marriage you discover it and divorce.

Marriage is finding someone who can accept your faults and you can accept the other parties’s faults. Then relying on the Lord we help to address our weakness.

Marriage is in preparation of becoming an ideal person. We can’t find an ideal person but be willing to become the ideal person to build an ideal family.

First be able to accept the faults of the other party. If we can’t, how will we spend our life together?

Just like the marriage vow. Are you willing? Then the
“I do”
What does this entail? Doesn’t just mean willing to love this person this whole life. Also willing to accept all this person’s faults and changes this person goes through.

In sickness. In poverty. Continue to love the person.

I do doesn’t just mean willing to love thidboerson for your whole life. No matter what changes you’re willing to love this person. This is love. This is the preciousness in marriage.

You can’t say I love him/her. But he/she became so fat! I go find someone skinner. Or poor. Then I find someone richer.

I do entails entails saying I do for this person’s entirety.

Marriage is not finding your ideal but becoming an ideal. Accept the other person’s faults.

1. During the courtship we should discuss how we deal with each other after marriage
   During courtship many couples feel like they get along so well but after marriage it turns to quarrels. Because during courtship the couple didn’t discuss how to deal with problems after marriage. They’re entranced with their mutterings of love and romance. But they didn’t discuss after marriage. Realistic problems are whether to have children, how many children, when. Some people say clearly they don’t want children. Maybe you can accept but can your parents accept?

This requires negotiation and discussion.

How about issue of staying with the parents? Or both sides want you to stay with them?

More importantly is the faith of the parties. Both of you have the same faith but families’ faith may not be the same.

If we don’t discuss these things through before getting married when these issues arise then it’ll lead to a lot of quarrels.

Some people think these things aren’t real problems. As long as we have love we can get through it. If we discuss it and quarrel isn’t it worse? So let’s not talk about these things now. But after the marriage when these issues arise, if the discussion goes smoothly then all is well. But what if things go badly?

Wouldn’t you want to practice when walking on the red carpet? It’s so short and you still Want to practise walking in sync with the bridal march? But your lives after marriage is such a long journey ahead, how can you nor discuss this all in advance? Especially realistic things.

We have to have a basic mutual understanding. Then we can reduce all these disagreements after marriage.

If not you may come into conflicts, serious conflicts.

It’s easy to love each other. It’s hard to get alongxiangcun.

If we don’t discuss this before marriage, and it arises after marriage, then it’ll be hard to get along.

The issue of breaking up:
Breaking up is painful. Even the person who raises up wanting to break up. Because both have invested their emotions. But breakups aren’t always bad, because there’s some irreconcilable problems beteeen both parties. Even if you try to force things and stay together, these problems will continue to exist and will break up in the end. Why not break up earlier and find someone else more suitable?

After marriage, you can’t break up unless the other party dies or commits adultery.

When courting, you can break up. Because it’s to determine whether thrbperson csn spend the rest of their lives with you.

It’s better to feel pain for a moment than to feel pain for a lifetime.

But don’t just break up because the other party has some faults because in reality you have some faults as well.

If we’re not able to accept all the faults of the other party. You can just stay good friends with the person and not partners. Because you were good friends and that’s why you wanted him/her to be partners. But then you realise you can’t accept some faults. Let’s just go back to being good friends. As good friends you just need to accept SOME faults not ALL faults. Because as good friends you just meet sometimes, you don’t stay with them.

But you can’t be partners. As partners you have to accet zAll the person’s faults and shah with them their whole life. If you can’t accept all faults, just be good friends. Just good friends

Maybe you realise you don’t love the person that much. When you love someone you’re willing to give up and sacrifice for the other party. Now you’re not willing to accept and endure the faults of the other party. Points to the fact you don’t really love the person. So break up and remain good friends.

How to bring up the issue of break up?
Should not be when you’re emotional. Should not be when you’re arguing and bring this up in a fit. Definitely not as a threat to get what they want.

This has no meaning.

When we say let’s break up that’s when our emotions have been settled. It’s when your bargaining until there’s nothing Old Testament of value to bargain already. It’s when you know you can’t spend your life with this person and can’t accept their flaws. You can continue being friends but not partners. Choose a suitable location and time to tell the person.

Don’t run away from the issue. Don’t just leave a WhatsApp message. Such an important matter should be brought up face to face so we can peacefully break up.

How to bring it up? Be very clear in telling the other party you can’t continue in this relationship. Don’t just keep bringing up the other person’s faults. This isn’t the time for such things. Place the emphasis on your own feelings.

For example:
I loved you that’s why I courted you. But now I’ve come to realise I don’t love you that much. We can be good friends but we can’t be a couple.

Or:
My ideal husband/wife is like this. So I can’t continue courting you.

Or:
We had some problems we tried to discuss but we can’t come to a resolution. How can we deal with this after our marriage? We love each other but we cant get along so we should break up

We should be clear. Our breaking up has a proper reason. Not breaking up on a whim.

Your stance must be clear. You can’t be wavering within yourself.

When breaking up, it’s best not to use God as your shield.
“After I prayed, God made me understand to break up with you. We must submit to God’s will.”
But you’re just pushing the blame!
“Oh is that so? I also prayed and God made me understand you must not break up. You must be submissive to God!”
What is there to do?

Don’t take and use God as an excuse.

What about friends of both parties?
You should respect the couple’s decision to break up. Otherwise the originally peaceful break up ends up not peaceful. Because the friends of the couple will want to say “you vile man I speak on his behalf!” Friends on both sides should respect their decision and not make it hard. After breaking up they can’t be lifelong partners but can be good friends.

How do we walk out of the pain of breaking up? Two concepts to remember

1. Don’t think of breaking up as a failure
   Breaking up just means you’re not compatible. For example you pick up something and you look at it again and again. And then you put it down. The boss says you don’t want it. Yes I like it but there’s some things I can’t accept so I put it down.

So break up is not a failure. But it’s helping us understanding not compatible. Can’t be partners but can be close friends again. That’s what we were at the beginning. Not an enemy or a stranger.

Break up is truly a failure if you treat the other party as an enemy in the end. How is that abiding by the words of the Bible? Maybe the other party has deceived or hurt you.

Both of You were willing to get into this relationship. Two outcomes. Either you get married and happy ending or break up and bad ending.

After the relationship is over, should go back to being friends.

1. Don’t think breaking up is a sin
   Of course if you’re deceitful and play with the other party’s feelings. That’s wrong. From the start that’s wrong. If you’re unlucky enough to be deceived, thank God you came to your senses and broke up. You’re not in the wrong. The other party was.

So don’t feel like you’ve done something wrong when you break up. But after a break up, come to realise these are the areas we have faults and are lacking in.

Let us rely on God to change areas we’re lacking and become more mature so we’ll be the ideal partner for the next person.

So we’ve broken up and everyone rationally understand. But Of course the heart still pains. You’re unable to forget the sweetness of when you courted. Unable to forget the pain of breaking up. You don’t want to remember but it keeps coming back. You try to escape but it makes the pain worse.

You don’t need to escape from remembering. Just remember the seeetness of the courtship. Just remember the pain of breaking up. Then Adjust ourselves to become a better, more mature person. Let these unhappy things help us to grow. Then we’re not stuck in this unhappiness. Any kind of growth always requires some kind of being broken down and pain.

But if we keep wallowing in misery, this won’t help but harm us.

We don’t need to avoid remembering. But also don’t need to intentionally bring up memories “we used to sit thrrr” “we used to eat char Kway teow here”

Let nature take its course and things will be alright in the end.

Easy to say. But the pain is still there.

Take it to God. Our God is a god or comfort. Tel our pain and sadness to God. Not just pray to God for comfort. But ask Him to help us to change.

Preserve yourself before marriage. Don’t eat of the forbidden fruit.

May God bless couples going through courtship so they get married earlier. May God bless those who broke up so that they can escape from th shadow of the break up and find someone else again.