The YSM theme comes from Eph 5:31.

People outside simply marry as they wish. Some even travel all the way to Hawaii to get married. Some partake in mass marriages. Some marry one day and divorce the next. Is that really marriage? Did they really respect one another?

“When I married this person, I was blind to his faults! But after marriage I realise how bad and ugly he/she is!”

As human beings, we all have faults. But will we leave someone just because we know them too well?

Marriage requires management.

The speaker read about the the Song-Song Korean couple. Do you remember the scene in Descendants of the Sun where the male lead tied the shoelaces of the female lead? They were married in Oct 2017. In Feb 2017, they divorced. Reason? Irreconcilable differences. Because they got to know each other too well, they separated.

Should marriage be like so? What does the Bible say? The Bible clearly states: what God has put together, let no man separate.

These sermons will discuss how to manage marriage well. But before that, we will look at the first recorded marriage.

Gen 2:24
This is the first marriage in the garden of Eden. The facilitator and officiator is none other than God. It is God who brings these two together. When Adam saw Eve, what was his reaction? “Wah so ugly”?

Gen 2:23
“This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman cos she was taken out of Man.”

A preacher once mentioned that Woman was created in secret.
v21 And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place.
Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man.

The first couple was brought together by God. God first caused Adam to fall into a deep sleep. What is this deep sleep? It refers to a period of waiting. You just have to wait, you don’t have to look around. You have to wait for God to bring your Eve before you.

That’s how the first marriage begun, and it was the Lord who blessed them.

v24 A man shall leave daughter and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

The context of Eph 5 pertains to the relationship between the church and Jesus; the body and the Head respectively. Paul compares the relationship between the church and Christ with that of a Man and Woman. A truly intimate relationship.

The two became one flesh. There’s no more distinction between the two. Since they have become one flesh, they should love one another. You should take care of your own body. No one would hurt their own body.

How do we go about loving our own body?

In marriage, we’ll meet with many challenges and have to manage many pragmatic issues. A few of these issues will be discussed.

• How can we set up a good way to manage our relationship continually?
“Man shall leave his father and mother, be joined and become one flesh”
“They were both naked and were not ashamed”

Before we get married, we have to make preparations to leave our father and mother. After getting married, you’re an adult and have to take on responsibilities. Internally you have to be mature. But some couples still behave like children after marriage. There’s a couple the speaker heard say, “You buy the powder. I buy the diapers.” Aren’t they both together? Shouldn’t they bear the burdens together? “You pay for the car. I pay for the flat.” Shouldn’t couples bear the burden together?

What does it mean to be mature inside? Both parties are willing to bear these burdens together. Therefore we have to acclimatise. The two have to become one.

In fact after getting married, marriage itself is like an art that needs to be slowly refined. Because this requires a certain amount of nurturing, just like playing musical instruments or doing art. No marriage begins with a happily ever after. You need to manage your marriage properly. It requires effort. You have to make adjustments within your marriage.

Don’t forget. Two people from two different worlds live together. He has his habits. She has her habits.

The speaker has the habit of not washing his feet when reaching home. Her habit is to wash her feet because it’s dirty outside. The speaker finds it a waste of water. After a while the speaker accepted it.

Two people from two different world. When they collide, shouldn’t there be adjustments and nurturing?

Especially in the first year of marriage will we find we face a lot of challenges.

Two different people with different values. We may not be able to think from that person’s perspectives. Many a times there’ll be small arguments that arise.

Consider the following 4 Chinese words:
太太怕我 (wife is scared of me)
我怕太太 (I’m scared of my wife)
The meaning changes depending on whether we read it from left to right, or right to left. A different perspective. Many a times, it’s a matter of perspective that’s important. Are you willing to adjust your attitudes and beliefs? If you’re not willing, it’ll be very difficult. Your quarrel from the beginning of your marriage to the end. Even for small matters, you’d want to bicker. It’ll be very difficult to be a good couple.

So how do we continually manage our marriage well? We really have to put in effort to adjust and acclimatise to one another. It’s not you compelling your other half to align with your concepts. Instead you should be the role model to change yourself. Find a middle ground amidst differences where you can both agree. This requires communication.

How much time do you spend conversing with your other half? Or are you too tired from work? Or are you using your phone? (before sleeping, during meals)

Do we actually care for our other half? If we do, we’d have good conversations with her/him. Only when we talk can we adjust better to one another.

The speaker has been married for 24 years, and is still learning. Even though he has endless conversations with her, they still have their differences. Do you care for the other person? If you do, you’d make the effort. Sometimes at night you’re so tired and just want to sleep. And then your wife says she’s had a difficult time at work. You just say something like “Orh. Mm. I’ll pray for you” while half asleep. “Eh are you listening to me?” “Yeah yeah the person did this blablabla” But then the speaker thought: since she trusts me to want to share this with me, I should listen. I can also tell her my struggles at work.

We HAVE to communicate. It’s through such conversations we better understand our other half. Otherwise it’s very easy for us to quarrel and we’d end up bickering.

The speaker thanks God he has not had major quarrels with his wife. There have been smaller quarrels of course but after such quarrels they understand one another better.

Husbands and wives shouldn’t only accommodate to one another’s differences due to different perspectives, communication is very important as well.

What does the Bible say?
Jas 1:19-20
Since marriage is about two becoming one, we need to have a good channel for communication; we have to be honest.

Man and wife were both naked and not ashamed. What does this mean? Husband and wife have no secrets between them. If you think about it, holding a secret in without telling someone else can be painful. Of course you shouldn’t reveal secrets regarding church matters or that of other church members. But we need to share our secrets with our other half. That’s what it means to be honest with one another. Being naked means to not have any secrets; both completely bare and honest. Only then can you build up an effective means of communication.

When we communicate, we need to be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. Since we want to manage our marriage well, we have to be a loyal listener. Pay attention to what your wife has to say. Wives also pay attention to what your husband has to say. Don’t so quickly interrupt what your other half is saying to talk about your own issues.

The speaker feels he’s not a good listener. His wife tells him something and he assumes he has already understood. He thinks the next few sentences are repetitive but actually they were the most important sentences. For example, she told him that a container of cooked food is in the bottom left corner of the fridge. He couldn’t find it because he didn’t pay attention to the detail of it being at the bottom left. He had thought the fridge wasn’t that big but he couldn’t find it.

When we don’t pay attention, it could cause harm to come to you and your spouse. Why not instead be a good listener. When you’re familiar with the context of the situation, you won’t get angry so easily.

“The wrath of man doesn’t produce the righteousness of God”
Why do couples often get angry and quarrel? Because we don’t spend enough time listening to our other half. Let’s learn from this good teaching from the Bible

Since we want to adopt this good method and have a blissful marriage, we need to be attentive to our other half. We have to learn from this. And we will establish a close relationship with our spouse.

Two becoming one flesh means there’s no more distinction between the two. But particularly when we meet with difficult issues, instincts may arise. What we say may hurt the other party. Since two have become one, that means the family members of the other half has also become yours. It’s common to hear “it’s YOUR father/mother/brother”. We need to change what we say because two have become one. You have to accept your spouse’s family. You have to call them father/mother not uncle/aunty.

Since we have accepted our other half, we should also learn to accept/respect their family.

The speaker said he went to Genting for his honeymoon. They were thinking what souvenir to bring back for their respective parents. If gifts of differing values were bought, that would be uncomfortable. So they decided to buy the same gift for their mothers. Even the allowances transferred to their mothers come from the same account. After marriage, they have a joint account. He doesn’t accept any private monies. His wife is assured because she knows he doesn’t spend money anyhow. So she doesn’t pay too much attention on how he managed the finances.

Finances came from the same account. They didn’t get into quarrels about “Why you spend so much money?” “Why you do your hair/nails?”. Because the money has been joined together.

We also need to put in effort to manage our in-laws. It’s not easy. Sometimes, especially when we have different perspectives, sparks may arise. When we encounter such situations, how do we manage this?

A brother who married not long ago met with this problem. His wife was not on good terms with his mother. They went out once and there was an explosion. After this incident, they weren’t on talking terms. The brother would try to coax his wife, “Don’t do this leh. She’s your elder. Need to show her respect.” The wife responded, “She doesn’t know me respect. Why should I respect her?” They didn’t speak for a year. The brother was in much difficulty, caught between the two. He tried to coax each of them but it didn’t work.

So he prayed. And things changed. His wife became more open and accepted his mother. She thought since she can’t change her mother-in-law, there was no point getting into unnecessary conflict. So she showed concern to her MIL again. It was by prayer.

How do we handle these conflicts?
If we’re overprotective with our wife or side too much with our mother, our mother and wife will be unhappy respectively. There’ll be explosions.

Let’s go back to the Bible. It’s natural that we need to respect those who are older. But how can we help our spouse to respect our family members convincingly. You have to first set the example. Treat your spouse’s family as your own family. Let her heart be at peace. From then you can talk about taking care about one another’s family.

The speaker hopes those who are married will continue cultivating a happy marriage.

217: Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing
As a couple, there will be differences. We need to learn how to manage and accept. This requires us to be clear with the word of God so we can use the truth to discern. This also requires spiritual nurture on our part. Let’s pray that we may have wisdom from God that we may be able to manage our marriage, so we can have a blissful marriage and be an exemplary couple.