Summary:
It is good for brethren to dwell together in unity, but sometimes the closer we are, the more expectations we have, the more wrongs we accumulate against each other. When brethren fight, there are often two reasons: (1) Both parties are at fault. The unwillingness to look at our own faults and amplify the faults of others doesn’t lead to reconciliation. (2) Third parties, intentionally or unintentionally, sow discord. Let us be careful not to be these third parties (Prov 6:19, 16:28, 26:20). As Christians, always reflect on ourselves, so that we can live our lives to the glory of God and truly be an edification to others.

Psa 133:1
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is For brethren to dwell together in unity!

This is a beautiful scene. The sermon’s topic ‘when brethren fight’ doesn’t seem nice. Why are we fighting? Why fight? The psalmist says it’s a beautiful thing for brethren to dwell together in unity. He says this because people do fight. Enemies fight. But when brethren fight, it’s a really ugly scene. ‘Brethren’ is a term that’s used loosely; it just refers to people who should have loving relationships. What will be discussed applies to our own households (some are full of fighting and unhappiness; spouses fight, siblings fight, parents and children fight).

If we fall in such situations, how should we understand this and handle this as Christians? This is applicable amongst friends and in the church, which is a big spiritual household/family. But let’s be realistic - it’s inevitable to rub each other up wrong sometimes in human interactions. If we only deal with machines, at worse, they malfunction. But when dealing with human beings, it’s inevitable there’ll be potential conflict from time to time. Ironically, particularly more so with close interactions. If our interaction is with someone we don’t know at all and don’t think we’ll see again, we’d just let the person go. But often the more we interact with the same people, the more expectations we have, the more we accumulate the wrongs we see. Instead of precious memories that linger, it’s angry memories that weigh us down. This ultimately potentially leads to brethren fighting. Reflect about this: Are we today in conflict with anybody? Have we been in conflict with anyone for a long time? If so, this sermon applies to us.

It’s key to understand the underlying cause and really learn how to handle these conflicts. Even more importantly, how we can seek to reconcile.

What do we want as the outcome? Just to prove our point; I’m right, he’s wrong; I’ve gained more supporters? If so, we may end up deepening the divide. What do we want? To drive our brethren away? To end our friendship, to chase brethren out of the church, to chase our brother out of the house? Or is the outcome to recover he who is wrong and reconcile? “Recover he who is wrong” - what can we do to attain this? We may think it’s him, her, them. But it could be us too. Ultimately, is what we do aligned to the best outcome; according to God’s outcome? This may be what we want but our actions may not be aligned to achieving the outcome. This is when we need to be completely honest with ourselves when engaged with brethren fighting. If not we see families broken up, friendships severed, people unhappy in church. There are many examples out there; it’s very difficult to make a judgement without knowing the underlying reasons. So let’s go back to the Bible, look at Biblical examples and learn from them. If we are ever caught in a situation of conflict, we can refer to them.

Pairs of brethren who have fought: 1. Esau and Jacob

Gen 27:41-42
So Esau hated Jacob because of the blessing with which his father blessed him, and Esau said in his heart, “The days of mourning for my father are at hand; then I will kill my brother Jacob.” And the words of Esau her older son were told to Rebekah. So she sent and called Jacob her younger son, and said to him, “Surely your brother Esau comforts himself concerning you by intending to kill you.

This was the conflict between Esau and Jacob. This was a very very serious fight between the two of them. They were not only brothers, they were twin brothers! We know how close twins are. Often they can’t be too far apart from each other. If brothers are close, twin brothers are even closer! Unfortunately, these twin brothers fell into this state. Esau hated his twin brother Jacob! To what extent? He said in his heart he would kill Jacob once their father was dead. What were the causes of their conflict? Let’s try to understand what went wrong.

Gen 27:36-38
And Esau said, “Is he not rightly named Jacob? For he has supplanted me these two times. He took away my birthright, and now look, he has taken away my blessing!” And he said, “Have you not reserved a blessing for me?” Then Isaac answered and said to Esau, “Indeed I have made him your master, and all his brethren I have given to him as servants; with grain and wine I have sustained him. What shall I do now for you, my son?” And Esau said to his father, “Have you only one blessing, my father? Bless me—me also, O my father!” And Esau lifted up his voice and wept.

What triggered the immense hatred in Esau towards Jacob? When we read the story, we know that Jacob did do wrong; he wasn’t a saint. But what triggered that thinking in Esau? Jacob cheated his father and was blessed rather than Esau. When Esau came to know it, his opening statement in v36 was “Is he not rightly named Jacob?” Jacob means ‘supplanter’. In the perspective of Esau, he put 100% of the blame on Jacob. “Exactly! He’s like that! He’s always been like that! His name also suggests that! He’s rightfully called ‘supplanter’ because he’s always been supplanting (using deceitful means to grab things)!” “He has supplanted me two times. First he took my birthright, then he took my blessing! It’s all his fault! I feel so indignant and bullied!”

This is only natural. No one likes to be cheated. No one likes a cheater. Yes, Esau was cheated. Yes, Jacob cheated. But was that the full story? Esau could only see the problem with Jacob, but had forgotten his own problem.

Gen 25:29-34
Now Jacob cooked a stew; and Esau came in from the field, and he was weary. And Esau said to Jacob, “Please feed me with that same red stew, for I am weary.” Therefore his name was called Edom. But Jacob said, “Sell me your birthright as of this day.” And Esau said, “Look, I am about to die; so what is this birthright to me?” Then Jacob said, “Swear to me as of this day.” So he swore to him, and sold his birthright to Jacob. And Jacob gave Esau bread and stew of lentils; then he ate and drank, arose, and went his way. Thus Esau despised his birthright.

Esau’s problem was that he despised his birthright. Did Jacob really steal his birthright? Did Jacob cheat him of his birthright? It wasn’t the case if you read this passage. It was a willing transaction between both parties. Esau didn’t cherish and even despised his birthright. He gave up something he didn’t want! Suppose you have a diamond that is of no value to you. You meet a karang guni/rag-and-bone man who would like to trade it for a coke. You value the coke more than the diamond so a trade takes place. Later on, you can’t report him for making an unfair trade with you when it was a transaction between two willing parties.

Jacob didn’t cheat Esau. Jacob cherished the birthright and blessing of God. Jacob understood the birthright was equivalent to the blessing of God. Esau didn’t bother or care. Look at what describes the situation: “Therefore his name was called Edom” (v30). Esau means ‘hairy’, Edom means ‘red’.

Jacob’s name was changed to ‘Israel’ which means he contended with God and prevailed. Why? Because he wanted and wanted the blessing and wouldn’t let go until he was blessed.

Here was one who grabbed ‘red’ and threw away the blessing of God. The other who didn’t originally have the blessing, and grabbed hold of the blessing of God until he had it. Esau became Edom. Jacob became Israel. Was Jacob a saint? No. He was indeed wrong for deceiving his father. But Esau was not without fault.

In the epistle of Hebrews, the Bible calls Esau a fornicator who for one morsel of food would sell of his birthright (Heb 12:6). Afterwards, he sought to be blessed but it was too late. This was the Bible’s conclusion. In all of this, Esau was the bigger sinner. Jacob sinned against his father and brother, and for that God taught him a very hard lesson, and he learnt! So Jacob became Israel. But Esau sinned against God, because he kicked at the grace of God.

This is the underlying reason.

What are the lessons we can learn? Often when brethren fight, the problem lies with both parties. Perhaps some bigger, some smaller. Sometimes they add to each other and even the right becomes wrong. Perhaps one party starts first but the other does something bad too or even worse. Then the matter escalates. It may have started with only one being wrong but ends up with both wrong. Then what happens? Why is reconciliation so difficult? Party A says, “Look at party B!” And party B truly was wrong. Party B says, “Look at party A!” And indeed party A was wrong. Both just look at the wrong of the other party. If we remain like this, reconciliation will not come about. We amplify the faults of others but are blind to our faults.

There was a man who really disliked his brother. He was with his son. From afar he saw his brother holding a can of beer. He tells his son, “Look at that drunkard uncle of yours. When you grow up, don’t be like him.”

The son innocently asked, “How can you tell a person is really drunk?”

“Easy. Look at those 2 trees over there. If you ask your drunkard uncle, he’d tell you there are 4 trees.”

The son looked and scratched his head. “Father, did you mean the 2 trees there?”

“Yes!”

“But father, there’s only 1 tree.”

What does this tell us? This father was equally or more drunk! His brother only had a can of beer; how drunk he was was unknown. The man was drunk to the point he saw 2 trees and accused his brother of being so drunk, he would see 4.

Matt 7:3-5
And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

These were the words of Jesus. Why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye and not consider the plank in your own? In this situation, both parties had problems. It’s not that your brother has no problem. He indeed had a speck in his eye, a speck that needs to be removed. But before we do that, we need to self-examine whether we have a speck in our own eye, or worse a plank. What did Jesus say? First remove the plank from your own eye, then you’ll be able to see clearly and remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

When brothers fight, how can we seek reconciliation? Are we truly truly without fault? Even if we didn’t start with the fault, have we reacted in any way that has made us have fault too? If we continue only to look at the speck in our brother’s eye, brethren will continue to fight. But how pleasant and good it is for brethren to dwell in unity. Often brethren would have had precious memories and good times together. Just like how Esau asked Jacob for a bowl of stew. They were on talking terms; they must have played together before. But it ended with Esau wanting to kill Jacob. Must that be the outcome?

If we land in such conflicts, what do we want? The death of our brother?

What other problems were there in the conflict between Esau and Jacob? Jacob deceived. Esau blamed Jacob and didn’t see his own fault. But there’s a second reason - their parents were at fault.

Gen 25:28
And Isaac loved Esau because he ate of his game, but Rebekah loved Jacob.

Isaac loved Esau, and Rebekah loved Jacob. Because Esau often hunted game and Isaac liked to eat that. Jacob was a mild man who dwelled in the tent - probably a mummy’s boy. It was clear one loved the other more than the other. In an unknowing way, this created a rift among the pair of brothers.

Gen 27:1-17
Now it came to pass, when Isaac was old and his eyes were so dim that he could not see, that he called Esau his older son and said to him, “My son.” And he answered him, “Here I am.” Then he said, “Behold now, I am old. I do not know the day of my death. Now therefore, please take your weapons, your quiver and your bow, and go out to the field and hunt game for me. And make me savory food, such as I love, and bring it to me that I may eat, that my soul may bless you before I die.” Now Rebekah was listening when Isaac spoke to Esau his son. And Esau went to the field to hunt game and to bring it. So Rebekah spoke to Jacob her son, saying, “Indeed I heard your father speak to Esau your brother, saying, ‘Bring me game and make savory food for me, that I may eat it and bless you in the presence of the Lord before my death.’ Now therefore, my son, obey my voice according to what I command you. Go now to the flock and bring me from there two choice kids of the goats, and I will make savory food from them for your father, such as he loves. Then you shall take it to your father, that he may eat it, and that he may bless you before his death.” And Jacob said to Rebekah his mother, “Look, Esau my brother is a hairy man, and I am a smooth-skinned man. Perhaps my father will feel me, and I shall seem to be a deceiver to him; and I shall bring a curse on myself and not a blessing.” But his mother said to him, “Let your curse be on me, my son; only obey my voice, and go, get them for me.” And he went and got them and brought them to his mother, and his mother made savory food, such as his father loved. Then Rebekah took the choice clothes of her elder son Esau, which were with her in the house, and put them on Jacob her younger son. And she put the skins of the kids of the goats on his hands and on the smooth part of his neck. Then she gave the savory food and the bread, which she had prepared, into the hand of her son Jacob.

Isaac said he was getting old and expected to die, so he told Esau to hunt and prepare savoury food, and then bless him thereafter. Rebekah heard what Isaac told Esau (v5), so she told Jacob (v6). It’s a strange thing to do. Wasn’t Esau her son as well? But she wanted Jacob to get the blessing. What else? She was the one who suggested Jacob cheat his father! (v8) She told Jacob to get choice kids from the flock and she would make the savoury food so that he could give it to his father to be blessed (v9-10). Jacob was still a bit scared because he was smooth-skinned but Esau hairy, he was worried his father would curse him (v11-12). Rebekah said to let the curse be on her and to do as she said (v13). She was the one who took Esau’s clothes and skins of goats to put on Jacob (v15-16).

Yes, Jacob cheated his father. How did that happen? He was his mother’s boy. Not only that, his mother was a complete accomplice. She was the one who cooked the food, who nudged him on by saying let the curse be upon her, who took Esau’s clothes and skin of goats to mimic hairiness. Yes, Jacob was quite a deceitful man. But a lot of what happened was by Rebekah’s hand. His mother helped him to cheat.

Yes, both Esau and Jacob had problems. But when conflicts arise, it’s also caused by third parties; triggered by other people. We must be very careful as we interact with people, we shouldn’t be the ones who sow discord or stir up strife amongst brethren. Perhaps it might be unintentional (if intentional, it’s really really bad), but we need to be aware of the unintended consequences of what we say and do. Sometimes it might be at the moment in time we’re happy about something and say something to other people about other people and situations, or do something, and then we end up unknowingly becoming the one who sows discord and strife.

Prov 26:20
Where there is no wood, the fire goes out; And where there is no talebearer, strife ceases.

Sometimes when we observe why strife escalates, it’s often because too many people talking and talking and talking. The weakness of human beings - we might sometimes exaggerate and sensationalise issues. In an unintended way, we create issues. When there is no talebearer, strife ceases.

Prov 16:28
A perverse man sows strife, And a whisperer separates the best of friends.

A whisperer can separate even the best of friends!

Prov 6:19
A false witness who speaks lies, And one who sows discord among brethren.

These are all teachings in the Bible, things we ought to use to reflect upon ourselves. When brothers fight, there are often two reasons. (1) Both parties are at fault. Perhaps together. Perhaps one after the other. Things accumulate. The unwillingness to look at our own faults and amplify the faults of others doesn’t help. (2) It might be due to third parties, intentionally or unintentionally. They may not have intended the outcome to be like that. Rebekah probably didn’t intend the outcome to be Esau hating Jacob so much he wanted to kill him. We have to be very careful not to be third parties that sow discord.

The speaker knows of a family where the couple doesn’t get along. They separated. The children are grown up. But over the years, some of the children side the father, some the mother. The children shared with the speaker, “My father tell me this this this. My mother tells me that that that.” The family is rather messy. The siblings become two camps. One sibling shared, “It’s so sad. I sometimes wake up thinking about times we had breakfast together as a family.” The underlying reasons are unknown, but to bring it to the next generation and create strife, it is cruelty.

The speaker knows of another instance of families who don’t like each other. The teens talked to him. He said to them one day, “I don’t think a lot of the things you said has any truth in it.” Because as a third party he could observe. “If the adults have problems, if they don’t solve it, you people don’t get involved. You should learn from it and don’t perpetuate it.”

These are lessons we ought to learn. There are still more examples and important lessons to learn, including the beauty of reconciliation which will be reserved for the next sermon.

May God help us.

As Christians, always reflect on ourselves, so that we can live our lives to the glory of God and truly be an edification to others.