Hallelujah! In the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, I speak.

I see amongst today, many who are married. Raised your hands, if you have never had any problems in your married life. Raised your hands, if you think have happy marriage. Okay, those of you who just raised your hands can adjourned to the Café downstairs while I speak to the rest of the congregation … Just kidding!

The Bible has one solution to avoid unhappy marriages. See Slide. 1 Cor 7:26 26 I think that, in view of the impending crisis, it is well for you to remain as you are. Before some of you jump at me, saying that I have quoted this out of context. I admit that I have omitted highlighting that Paul said this in view of the impending crisis that Christians faced at that time. However, there is a reason for Paul to say this –

1 Cor 7:28 28 But if you marry, you do not sin, and if a virgin marries, she does not sin. Yet those who marry will experience distress in this life, and I would spare you that. Paul is saying that there is already trouble coming but if you marry, you will have more trouble.

Some of you may be thinking; wait a minute, the topic is on “a happy marriage”, why is the speaker asking us not to get married.

A study was done found that marriage has surprisingly found that marriage has the following 11 benefits -

1. It makes you richer
2. There are better tax benefits
3. There are health insurance benefits
4. Married people have lower stress
5. Married couples are less likely to be depressed
6. People with a spouse are less likely to engage in risky behavior
7. They have better outcomes after major surgery
8. They are more likely to survive cancer
9. Married folks get better sleep
10. Married people live longer
11. The greatest benefit of all -love and companionship

That is, if you are not killed after getting married.

There is another critically important reason found in Bible for people to marry. 1 Cor 7:9 9 But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to be aflame with passion. There is a reason for man to be attracted to women and vice versa. God made us like that so that we can reproduce and populate the world. So the little boys and girls who used to play together in the playground, upon reaching the age of puberty, suddenly behave differently towards the other sex. On the average, boys reached puberty at 11, one year later than the girls. That is why boys appear more dumb and less mature than girls at a younger age. God made it so that at puberty, girls and boys are affected by the hormones called estrogen and testosterone respectively. When these hormones raged in their bodies, the girl’s body will have physical changes and they start to notice something special about the boy they use to fight with. The boys also start to notice something. Probably later, because they mature later and therefore more dumb to why the girl is getting nicer to him and willing to share her food with him.

Now we are not getting into a biology session on reproduction here. Suffice to say, both man and women will have natural desires of sex with each other. The Bible, thus advises that if they cannot control themselves, they should marry. This is because if they have sex outside marriage, it is called fornication and fornicators will not go to Heaven.

Rev 21:7-8 8 But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the polluted, as for murderers, fornicators , sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their lot shall be in the lake that burns with fire and sulphur, which is the second death.”

Now that we know of the reasons why people should get marry, let’s look at the situation on marriage and divorces in Malaysia. (look at slide).

The country with the highest divorce marriage ratio is Luxemburg with 87%. Russia 51%, USA 46%, UK & NZ 42%. The Country with the lowest rate is India 1%, Chile 3%, Columbia 9%. So it would appear that the poorer, the less develop, the lower the divorce rate. What wrong with marriages in developed society?

Many enter into Marriage without being prepared for marriage.

Source of Cracks in today’s modern marriage -

• brought up in an environment where neither were trained for marriage. In their parent’s house, they had the maid do washed their dirty clothes, prepare their food, clean their rooms, fold their bed sheets, etc. So they grew up no knowing the important things in running a household, like – o Cooking o Changing light bulbs o Cleaning the house, o Killing the cockroach, etc
• So when they marry, who shall do all these things? o It is important that parents do not overly spoil your children. Even if you have a maid at home, it is good that they wash their own dishes, fold the bed sheets, etc. o This is important so that when they get marry, they do not look at each other expecting the other to do the house work.
• Finance disasters from the start
• dating - putting each other on high pedestal, spending above own limits.
• no idea what sort of financial planning for wedding and after marriage.
• marriage - cost a bomb - blows up a big hole in bank account. Nowadays, a dinner table can cost up to RM2000 each. Very few expensive weddings dinners and reception breakeven. How many of your young friends who only starting on their first job, can afford to give a RM300 ang pow? You may need a few years to recover. At a critical time, when you need all the funds to put your house in order for raising a young family.
• do you know how much it cost to have a new addition to your family? RM50k to RM100k. Regular medical checkup with Gynecologist, medication for mother & family. Hospital bills for delivery (up to RM10k for normal delivery), post medical care (maternity house for a month up to RM10k), new furnitures, maid (RM18k for registration itself, salary RM 1,200 pm), new baby expenses RM2k p mm.
• do you know how hard is it for a young couple to save RM100k. If you save RM1k a month, you need 4 years of savings. So in most cases, once you get married, honeymoon is over. If your RM200k wedding ceremonies has put you in a debt situation before you begin life as husband & wife, then you are in debt trap.
• this is compounded by the problem that today’s young people get married at a later age. If they live very colorful and care-free lifestyle with little savings, real problems begins immediately with marriage. Even, if they can overcome their spendthrift habits, can they overcome the financial trap that their lavish wedding has caused?
• if they are already in their thirties, they will have to think about to start a family soon. Otherwise, by the time, they retire, their children are only starting college & we know that this is the period you spend the most money. We are not talking 10s of RM’000 but in the RM’000,000s. If you have an intelligent child. Thank God! But if your child wants to take up a medical degree, best of luck because you better have RM1.4m set aside especially if that degree is overseas.
• if you start your marriage with large debts, in your thirties, can you afford to start a family and what kind of lifestyle both of you will be living from now on?
• so given all these issues, can your marriage be happy?
• you have honey but no money.

But this is still not your biggest problem with marriages.

• Despite your many years of dating, do you really know your spouse?
• Will the real face going to emerge from years of being nice to you?
• Or was it you who have not face reality all these years hoping that marriage will fix all those flaws you noticed much earlier?
• Do you really know your in-laws and their impact they could influence in your marriage?
• What kind of careers you both have; what lifestyle expectation does both of you have in your new life together?

Marriage will give rise to many issues. Some marriages fail on account of small trivial issues while other thrive even when faced with seemingly insurmountable problems. Why?

Even if the marriage was successful in the early years, it does not mean that it will endure until the end.

Not all marriages that successfully went through tremendously difficult earlier years continue to be successful when they are at the pinnacle of success. After years of struggle, they are now rich and have everything. They soon discover that there is always someone younger, prettier or more understanding than their spouse.

By now I may have sufficiently crushed your vision of how beautiful a marriage can be. Let me tell you my story on how your marriage can be a happy one.

GOD in your marriage I was married when I was 35. By the time I retired, my son just entered college. A recipe for disaster? But I have a wonderful marriage and there is ONE big reason for this. We have God in our marriage. God is the watcher, the referee, the counselor and the anchor of our marriage. We prayed over every important thing in our lives. Whether it is our job, getting a maid, children’s education, etc.

Even if they are married in the Church, some Christian marriages failed because there is no God in their marriage. If God is always in your marriage – • When you faced temptations, you remember God’s commandments on being faithful towards one another. • When faced with financial difficulties, you seek and receive God’s intervention. • When any of your family members are sick, God is your Doctor. • When you have a serious personal disagreement with your spouse, you can turn to God as your referee. • There are many more other situations, the solution is always the same; God. The Bible says – Eph 5:30-31 31 “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” When you get marry, God sees the 2 of you as one. Therefore other than cases of adultery, divorce is not allowed.

When I married my wife, I discussed with my wife and she agreed that our wedding car will be the church van. It was not because I could not afford to rent or even borrow a Mercedes Benz. At that time, I could think of a greater way of honoring God than going to my wedding in a vehicle that bears the name of His Church, even if it is a lowly Nissan C20 van. At that time, I did not realize the significance of this act. Now, I realize that this act shows that – • My wife will walk with me. To most women, marriage is the singular most important event. Therefore the occasion should be grand. What? Go to the church wedding in a van? But if she can look beyond the wedding and look only at the man she marry, she will go through the thick and thin of marriage life with him. • My in laws are not calculative. Many marriages have a bad start because the in-laws makes heavy financial demands on their future son or daughter in laws. The wedding becomes a showcase to their friends and relatives. How many tables shall be allocated, how big the dowry, etc. Consequently, the marriage became an expensive affair. While they think that they are doing this to the best interest of their children, what they failed to realized is that whatever debt the son or daughter in-law incurs will ultimately be borne jointly by their children. So many marriages become a debt trap for their children. So when my in-laws allowed their daughter to leave the house in the church van, it shows their trust in me and are not calculative in their demands. I only had a wedding reception in the church for friends, members and relatives and a wedding dinner for immediate family members. It also show their understanding that any demands they made on me is also a demand on their daughter. • From the very beginning, we did not have a debt trap and was able to start our marriage as one flesh. • To show my commitment to the relationship, I transfer ½ ownership of the house we stay in to her name. • I am not sure this is advisable for all marriages but in my case I had absolute trust in my wife and in God that our marriage will last through the test of time.

Tips for a happy marriage The “Tings” of Marriage

Let’s imagine some scenarios - • Man comes back home tired after successfully settling a difficult problem in the office. A Big Fat Bonus is expected. He felt satisfied and immediately sink into the sofa and switch on the TV to relax. He is having his Tzeng 4X moments. Earlier, Wife also came back from office tired after a bad day with her boss, after fetching back son from child minder and immediately had to cook dinner for the family. The husband calls out to the wife while sitting on the sofa “Darling, I had a great day! what’s for dinner?” What happens next can make or break the marriage. • For a happy family to exist, the home is a world of its own. It is a sanctuary or safe resting place with its own special rules. • Rule No.1: Although the man may be the head of the family, both husband and wife have equal status. The moment, one party treats the other as inferior; the home is then no longer sanctuary. The feeling of bearing an unequal share of responsibility in the home is equal to being treated as inferior. • Rule No. 2: Although two become one flesh in marriage, there are still 2 persons in this union. Each has his own likes and dislikes. More importantly, the approach to make each party happy is different.

Let’s stick to these 2 rules and apply to the above scenario. • Wife angry at the lazy husband who did not help but sit relaxing in from of the TV, expecting to serve. “Did you not know that I had a lousy day? What’s so good about your great day? When I ask to hire a maid, you said no money. You think I am your maid, ah?” While a thousand other angry thoughts ran through her mind, the son cried. The husband sweetly called out while she is still cooking, “Honey, boy-boy is crying.” Boom … no more happy marriage. • In the follow up scene, it is obvious that the wife is feeling unequally treated. • How else could this situation be handled? For Rule No. 1 on the feelings of unequal treatment, obviously, depending on the situation, the husband could have scheduled to take turns in fetching your child. He could also help out in some of the house work but try not to break too many dishes in the process. • For Rule No. 2, we have to understand what generally makes man and women tick to be happy. I am generalizing here, you make be different but we have no time to go into the different personality types.

HOW TO MAKE THE WIFE HAPPY • Women likes small happy moments. Men likes to be appreciated and not belittled. Be his biggest fan. • Men generally like to do one big thing, feel satisfied and then go on to hibernate on the couch. That is why you often many unfinished work in the house. One cupboard in the room is properly organized, whereas the other 2 in the same room is left in disordered until the lazy bear wakes up from his hibernation. The wife calls it a mess. The husband calls it organized mess. Why? Because he can miraculously finds the things he wants from this mess. So man likes big things. • Women are more emotion driven and likes to launch on to many things at the same time. The little things matters. If there is a party, where each chair, table, flowers, spoon, etc. are placed matters. So husband and children will often have to be standby to move this sofa to the right, left, back to the original. So woman attached a lot more emotions to small things. • So what will happen if a man brings a huge bouquet of 100 roses to the woman. To the man, it is a big Tzeng 4X moment. To the girl, it is wow .. Ting! Unfortunately one Ting! moment is not enough to satisfy a woman for long. She needs a lot of “tings” to keep her continually satisfied with you. It would have been better if you give her a rose a day for the next hundred days. That way, you will have 100 “tings” instead of one “ting”. • Guys not satisfied. Okay, ladies by a show of hands, how many of you like your husband or boyfriend or potential boyfriend to give you a bouquet of 100 flowers once in 3 ½ months or 1 flower for each of the hundred days with a note “I love you 1”, “I love you 2”, “I love you 3” … • Some time back, I spoke a sermon where I mentioned that you must tell you wife that you love her often. Why? Because each time you tell her, you love her, guess what happens? “Ting” It cost you nothing to say “I love you” but it generates the same “ting” as a bouquet of flowers. • I once sang and recorded 3 different versions of “you are my sunshine, my only sunshine” on the whatsapp and sent to my wife. She was happy like crazy. Guess what? Every time, my wife go back to her whatsapp and listen to my recording, “ting, ting, ting” • So guys, if you wants to make you wife or girlfriends happy, surprise her with many small happy moments. It is more effective than one big happy moment.

HOW TO MAKE THE HUSBAND HAPPY • If you want to make you husband happy, there are 2 things you can do but we shall only talk about one thing. • Remember when you were dating and you listen attentively to everything he said without doubting. Now that you are married, do you still listen to him adoringly? Or do you cut him off every now and then with the words “aiiyah .. do talk rubbish” • Before marriage you treated him like your hero. Now, has he become Zero? • Tell your man that he is “great”, “did a wonderful job”, show your appreciation for every good thing that he did. • Honor him, in front of your children. • By doing this, you raise him up to be the head of the family. • Joke: If the man is the head of the family, what about the wife? She is the neck. • Men likes to be appreciated and not belittled. Be his biggest fan.

2a. Trust: Giving each other space to breathe 2b. Take part in the other happy moments 2c Focus on what is right in your marriage and not on what is wrong with the other the other party

2d. Forgiving and forgetting. • Forgiveness is letting it go and never bringing it up again. Forgiving is an act of writing off the wrong. • How can one says he forgive and yet remember the act and constantly bring it up again and again in the future? It is like you broke a law by running a red light and was caught. You admit your error and pay the fine. For you, you were wrong, you owe up and pay your dues, and that should be the end of it. Would you like it if every now and then if the police sent you a reminder every now and then that you beat the red Light on this date and hope you do not repeat this again? Maybe you will ignore the first 2 letters. After the 3rd letter, this becomes an issue. • There are 2 possible reactions. o Firstly, the more aggressive approach by retaliating against the police by initiating complains and actions against the police. o Secondly, the more passive approach where you ignore the letters and hold an inner resentment against the police. Everything that the police do will be look at in a negative light. Even the good things they do will be seen as bad.
• Similarly, if you forgive and do not forget, the same happens. • If you bring up issues that happen years ago after you says you forgive, it is like sending him or her reminder letters again and again. • Similarly 2 reactions appears. o Firstly the more aggressive approach. You retaliate by keeping scores of the wrongs and remember what the other did. So every time the other remind you of what you did, you bring up what you now remember from your scorecards. Now who amongst us have never done anything wrong before and never say something wrong before. So now all future arguments is substantiated with facts. All repeated facts. The longer this persists, the longer the lists of wrongs of the other party appears. At the end, the marriage will have a meltdown. o The Second reactions is equally devastating. You do not want to keep a list but push in such reminders inside him or her. Every time, you are reminded, you push this resentment deeper inside and you start to negatively look at all the actions of the other party. Finally nothing the other party does seems right to you. Again the marriage will suffer a breakdown. • Learn from the example how God forgives.
Matt 18:35 35 So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart. • Mt 18: 23-35 parable if the unforgiving servant. The Lord in forgiving him of his debt, wrote off all that was owe & the servant no longer had to suffer any of the punishment. Unfortunately, the servant was not able to similarly forgive others as he was forgiven. He was punished not because he owe the master but because did not know how to forgive and write off. Otherwise, he would not have been put into prison.

SUMMARY • It is better to marry than to be aflame with passion. • Many enter into Marriage without being prepared for marriage. o brought up in an environment where neither were trained for marriage. o Finance disasters from the start o Despite your many years of dating, do you really know your spouse? o Will the real face going to emerge from years of being nice to you? o Or was it you who have not face reality all these years hoping that marriage will fix all those flaws you noticed much earlier? o Do you really know your in-laws and their impact they could influence in your marriage? o What kind of careers you both have; what lifestyle expectation does both of you have in your new life together? • GOD in your marriage • The “Tings” of Marriage • HOW TO MAKE THE WIFE & HUSBAND HAPPY • Women likes small happy moments. Men likes to be appreciated and not belittled. Be his biggest fan. • Trust: Giving each other space to breathe • Take part in the other happy moments • Focus on what is right in your marriage and not on what is wrong with the other the other party • Forgiving is letting it go and never bring it up again. Forgiving without forgetting is not true forgiving.

ALL PRAISE AND GLORY TO OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST! AMEN!!

Let me first address this issue by making a statement that modern society does not prepare

Our young ones are not brought up in an environment to meet the demands of marriage life

1. Where is God in your marriage? Watcher, Moderator & God
2. Tzeng Tzeng Tzeng Tzeng & Ting to wife Tung to husband if wife shows she is his biggest fan. 2a. Trust: Giving each other space to breathe 2b. Take part in the other happy moments 2c Focus on what is right in your marriage and not not what is wrong in the other the other party 2d. Forgiving and forgetting. Forgiveness is letting it go and never bringing it up again. Forgiving is an act of writing off wrong. If one says he forgive and yet remember the act and constantly bring it up again and again in the future. It is like you broke a law by running a red light and was caught. You admit your error and pay the fine. For you, you were wrong, you owe up and pay your dues, and that should be the end of it. Would you like it if every now and then if the police sent you a reminder every now and then that you beat the red Light on this date and hope you do not repeat this again. Maybe you will ignore the first 2 letters. After the 3rd letter, this becomes an issue. There are 2 possible reactions. Firstly, the more aggressive approach by retaliating against the police by initiating complains and actions against the police. Secondly, the more passive approach where you ignore the letters and hold an inner resentment against the police. Everything that the police do will be look at in a negative light. Even the good things they do will be seen as bad. Similarly, if you forgive and do not forget, the same happens. If you bring up issues that happen years ago after you says you forgive, it is like sending him or her reminder letters again and again. Similarly 2 reactions appears. Firstly the more aggressive approach. You retaliate by keeping scores of the wrongs and remember the other did. So every time the other remind you of what you did, you bring up what you now remember from your scorecards. Now who amongst us have never done anything wrong before and never say something wrong before. So now all future arguments is substantiated with facts. All repeated facts. The longer this persists, the longer the lists of wrongs of the other party appears. At the end, the marriage will have a meltdown. The Second reactions is equally devastating. Say the other party do not want to keep a list but push in this reminder inside him or her. Every time, you are reminded, you push this resentment deeper inside and you start to negatively look at all the actions of the other party. Finally nothing the other party does seems right to you. Again the marriage will suffer a breakdown.

Learn from the example how God forgives. Mt 18:35 forgive from the heart. Mt 18: 23-35 parable if the unforgiving servant. The Lord in forgiving him of his debt, wrote off all that was owe & the servant was suppose to be relieved of all punishment.

1. Ours - God, wife & I - how much share assets you have. How much mistrust in relationship. Prenuptial agreements.
2. Where is God in your marriage? The 3 diagrams. God covering both. God outside. God only with one party.
3. The 200% marriage where both parties invest their 100% into the marriage.
4. Source of Cracks in today’s modern marriage -
   • brought up in an environment where neither were trained for marriage.
   • Finance disasters from the start
     • dating - putting each other on high pedestal, spending above own limits.
     • no idea what sort of financial position after marriage.
     • marriage - cost a bomb - blows up a big hole in bank account. Need a few years to recover. At a critical time, when you need all the funds to put your house in order for raising a young family.
     • do you know how much it cost to have a new addition to your family? RM50k to RM100k. Regular medical checkup with Gynecologist, medication for mother & family. Hospital bills for delivery (up to RM10k for normal delivery), post medical care (maternity house for a month up to RM10k), new furnitures, maid (RM18k for registration itself, salary RM 1,200 pm), new baby expenses RM2k p mm.
     • do you realized how hard is it for a young couple to save RM100k. If you save RM1k a month, you need 4 years of savings. So in most cases, once you get married, honeymoon is over. If your RM200k wedding ceremonies has put you in a debt situation before you begin life as husband & wife, then you are in debt trap.
     • this is compounded by the problem that today’s young people get married at a later age. If they live very colorful and care-free lifestyle with little savings, real problems begins immediately with marriage. Even, if they can overcome their spendthrift habits, can they overcome the financial trap that their lavish wedding has caused?
     • if they are already in their thirties, they will have to think about to start a family. Otherwise, by the time, they retire, their children are only starting college & we know that this is the period you spend the most money. We are not talking 10s of RM’000 but In the RM’ks. If you have an intelligent child. Thank God! But if your child wants to take up a medical degree, you better have RM1.4m set aside especially if that degree is overseas.
     • if you start your marriage with large debts, in your thirties, can you afford to start a family and what kind of lifestyle both of you will be living from now on?
     • so given all these issues, can your marriage be happy?
     • you have honey but no money.

But this is still not your biggest problem with marriages.

Despite your many years of dating, do you really know your spouse? Will the real face going to emerge from years of being nice to you? Or was it you who have not face reality all these years hoping that marriage will fix all those flaws you noticed much earlier. Do you really know your in-laws and their impact they could influence in your marriage? What kind of careers you both have; what lifestyle expectation do both of you have in your new life together?

Marriage will give rise to many issues. Some marriages fail on account of small trivial issues while other thrive even when faced with seemingly insurmountable problems. Why?

Even if the marriage was successful in the early years, it does not mean that it will endure until the end.

Not all marriages that successfully went through tremendously difficult earlier years continue to be successful when they are at the pinnacle of success. After years of struggle, they are now rich and have everything. They soon discover that there is always someone younger, prettier or more understanding than their spouse.

By now I may have sufficiently crushed your vision of how beautiful a marriage can be. Let me tell you my story on how your marriage can be a happy one.

• I married when I was 35. But I married cheap. How? I have a great understanding wife & great understanding in-laws.

1. Parents and parenting lessons from your family. Hierarchy order in family sets the order for family stability. It is also the basis for how we as Christians learnt to honor God. If we cannot honor our parents who we can see, how can we honor God who we cannot see.

Matt 19:8-12 8 He said to them, “Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 9 And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.”
10 His disciples said to Him,”If such is the case of the man with his wife, it is better not to marry .” 11 Jesus Teaches on Celibacy But He said to them, “All cannot accept this saying, but only those to whom it has been given: 12 For there are eunuchs who were born thus from their mother’s womb, and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He who is able to accept it, let him accept it.”

Prov 31:10 10 A good wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels.